Now that I’ve taken a savasana (a sprawled out on the ground yoga pose accompanied by deep breathing), I feel like I can recount the events of today. 

I’m sorry if I’ve mislead you. Today’s blog is not about the gender neutral bathrooms that Target has instated. It is instead a tale of the ultimate mommy fail. The bathroom merely acted as a stage for part of today’s “please tell me this was a dream” kind of day.

It started out just fine. Olson slept through the night. We went to the zoo. I put on too many layers because dressing in this weather is hard. But Olson was so calm and he took a little nap when we got home. When he woke up I took Joel some lunch. See how well things seemed to be going? I even wore a little lip tint.

Olson needed some diapers and I had a couple other things I needed to purchase. I also needed-sorry, wanted- a Starbucks. Thus, I went to Target.

I pulled into the parking lot. I was a little excited, ok? It’s Target. I love taking Olson shopping because he thinks shopping carts are cool. So it was a win/win. But not for long. I opened my door and walked around to the passenger side. I opened Olson’s door, said hello, and got my purse out of the car. I locked the car, unbuckled Olson and retrieved him from his car seat. I realized he needed to eat. I set the purse back in the car and shut the door so I could go around to the other side of the back seat and nurse him. With Olson in hand I attempted to open the car door. I couldn’t. Because of course I had locked it. Purse was inside the car. Keys were inside the car. Spare keys were in Olson’s car seat because they have a rubbery key chain he likes to chew on. Both sets of keys. Locked in the car. Phone in the car. Purse in the car.

Panic outside the car.

No no no no no. Yes. All doors locked. Trunk locked. I promptly ran inside hoping to end this fiasco as soon as possible. A sweet employee whose name was Angelica, but might as well have been “Angel” let me use her phone for the next hour as I tried calling my husband and sister. Because my parents who are normally minutes away were in Florida. Of course husband was extremely busy and sister, while sympathetic, was pretty clueless as to what I should do. Other than asking someone, “Hi, do you know how to break into cars?” To which Joel, thankfully, upon hearing this idea, had the sober insight to say, “No Alyssa, please do not do that.”

It would be an hour before a locksmith would arrive. Olson was working on a poop, I had some things brewing myself, and he needed to eat. I won’t discuss the unsavory details. But going to the bathroom with a baby…is hard. And we spent at least 20 minutes in the bathroom stall: me taking care of my business, and Olson taking care of his business, which was really my private business…we closed the deal.

This sweet employee allowed me to use her phone as my contact number to give to AAA. For the remaining part of the hour I paced around Target, taking 5 minute intervals to run back to the customer service desk and check this woman’s phone to know when the locksmith would arrive. You can’t enjoy Target when you’re afraid you’re going to miss a phone call on a woman’s phone who you don’t know from Adam! Even the dollar section, located right beside the customer service desk, was disappointing. Halloween, you ruin everything. Where there should be cute candles and organizational stationary, there are spider stickers and sparkly pumpkin headbands. Oh, there was a can of bath foam that I thought Olson would like. But he threw it on the floor right on top of my foot. The part that kind of vibrates and when struck makes you want to punch an old lady in the face. So that didn’t help matters.

Okay okay I’m getting to the end. The locksmith arrived and got my car unlocked. But not before some lady poked him on the back and asked if he could move his van so she could pull out. MA’AM. I HAVE A BABY ON MY HIP AND MY LITTLE BUN HAS TURNED INTO A FULL ON BABY CURL FRIZZ WAD. CAN YOU JUST…WAIT 3 SECONDS FOR HIM TO UNLOCK MY DADGUM CAR SO I CAN CHANGE THE POOPY DIAPER THAT I KNOW YOU CAN SMELL FROM WHERE YOU’RE STANDING!!

My poor locksmith was stressed too. I told him at least it was the end of the day. Oops. He works third shift. Well, at least it’s almost the weekend! Oh cool he works the whole weekend too. Well, at least. I give up. I gave him my best smile. I got my things, paid for my purchases and promptly went to Starbucks for a cheese danish and Pumpkin Spice Latte. Non fat and no whip cream. Cause I’m an idiot.

But YA KNOW WHAT? I ate leftovers with my honey bunny tonight. Olson laughed at everything. He went to sleep and Joel and I watched our favorite show on Netflix. Don’t things always turn out okay? When I was at Target and my blood pressure was off the charts, I prayed to God. “Lord, show me what I’m supposed to learn from all this. Other than, dummy don’t lock your keys in your car.”  My sister says it should teach me to never go to Target without her again. I don’t know that I gained any eternal knowledge from this happening. But I was in the best mood tonight with my family. That’s what it’s about. And if all of this was just to help me see how great life really is compared to how it sometimes seems, then fine. This election stinks. Mean ladies who bark at stressed out locksmiths stink. Having to feed your child so he’ll sit still while you, ya know, relieve yourself, not fun at all. But everything, will, be, ok.

It always, always is.