I just purchased dark chocolate because it’s healthier than milk chocolate, yet there is a huge jar of candy Olson got from Easter and it will most assuredly give him a cavity. But I can’t toss it cause that’s just wasteful.

I’m making more of my own cleaning products but I will probably always have Clorox wipes on hand. Even though I know they’re toxic . People get ready; Jesus is comin’.

*Editor’s note: After reading this post, my sweet momma friend Ashley messaged me letting me know that she laughed a lot while reading this blog post. Then she kindly informed me that, in fact, Clorox wipes are quite toxic and that I should at least use gloves so the chemicals don’t get into my skin. So see, always learning. Always thankful for mommas out there smarter than me. 

I’ve looked into buying coconut sugar instead of regular, but I know my sister will turn her head at any dessert I make that doesn’t have at least a tablespoon of white sugar in every bite.

I asked for essential oils for Christmas and I feel so proud of myself every time I see the diffuser on the counter, misting delicious “sweet orange” smells into the kitchen. But then two weeks later I’ll forget I even have a diffuser.

I can officially make a rue, zest a lemon, and I’ve stopped using measuring spoons for seasonings cause I’ve mastered the whole “just eye ball it” method. But I still get super nervous when cooking any and all types of meat. Like, literally, all of them. Directions say “Cook in oven for 10 minutes.” But I start sweating because I KNOW that poor meat is going to be dry as a Methodist preacher or raw as a freshly killed chicken.

This whole “balancing act” of being the perfect mom and being a total disaster is a finer line than the instruction manual warned. “Go with the flow,” and “Just try your  best!” doesn’t really cut it when your son is potty training and peeing through three pairs of underwear a day. It just feels like a lot of laundry. And when the salmon is dry for the 34th time, you think, “Hmmm…this is why pizza places deliver.”

I’m not saying this whole domestication process isn’t fun sometimes. I made a French yogurt cake a few days ago and it’s DELICIOUS. I only ate out one time during a really long conference (both day and night sessions for 4 days, ya’ll), because I sort of meal prepped. And our toilets didn’t have a ring in them by the end of the week. I think Joel had clean work clothes too. If not, he’s too sweet to whine to me about it anyways.

So, whatever. I’m over the whole “No mom is perfect; don’t compare yourself” stuff because honestly I like comparing myself to other moms. Why do their houses look clean? Where is that beautiful rug from? What’s the recipe for that soup that has quinoa in it? I like to be inspired and figure out better ways to feed my family and clean my house.

I’m in a constant state of self-giving  grace these days, because I was fresh clean out of grace those first 4-6 months of having Olson. I  felt helpless and confused and wondered why everyone loved newborns so much. I wanted to cry and eat donuts every day.

New mommas: Look, yeah, it just kinda sucks. Maybe you’re one of those that’s eating up every moment and posting pictures of your kid at 3 am saying, “Just cherishing every moment I can.” THAT’S AWESOME. No, seriously it is. Because there are moms out there like me that saw that picture and recognized I needed to be more grateful for the beautiful baby boy God blessed me with. Keep posting your pictures and be obnoxiously proud of your tiny human.

Mommas of older than newborns: You made it! I think everything gets easier from here. Olson is only 2 and some odd months but I can breathe deeper now than ever before and he actually can clean up after himself, sort of, sometimes. Let’s stop whining about the terrible two’s and the potty-training. I don’t think anyone actually cares. Let’s just laugh about it. And let’s buy the expensive cleaning products, because legitimately Olson almost drank some toilet bowl cleaner. OR DON’T BUY IT. That’s fine too! You deserve to call a Clorox wipe an efficient tool to clean your whole bathroom. Organic momma’s, just chill out. You’re doing a good job too because you care. And I’m always learning from you.

BALANCE. It’s weird. It’s delicate. I’m happy for myself and then I feel sorry for myself. I make something awesome and then I burn toast for the 2,836th time.

We mommas need more hugs and less “articles.” More “tell me how you feel” and less, “let me tell you how I did it.” I’m learning with you.

But ya’ll, I’m real proud of that diffuser.