It’s not that I want to not kiss him.

I just want to engage with him in a different way.

Ya know how when you’re a little girl, teenager or even a 20-30 (40? 50?) something and you dream about your spouse. It seems pretty unbelievable that someone you find so attractive will find you attractive. And they’re just as crazy over you as you are them.

Well, guess what. YES. It’s LITERALLY that awesome!!

But just like with anything we hope for, it’s still not exactly what you think.

Some nights I get into bed with my best friend instead of my lover. And we watch a YouTube video and eat whirly pop. Or we make fun of ourselves. We talk to each other in silly voices and laugh even though no one else would probably think we’re that funny. Maybe we dream about the future. About what Olson will be like as a teenager. Or what our next house project will be. Maybe one of us is troubled and needs to externally process (ahem, moi.)

And we decide around 12-something-or-other a.m. that we should go to sleep. And I snuggle up to his back in my not so sexy t shirt and my fuzzy socks. (He’s always the little spoon.) And I feel so loved. So whole and complete. So fulfilled, all of my needs met. And we didn’t even share a smooch.

If we had this image of marriage in mind when we’re dating, I wonder if our approach would be different.

Instead of wondering if he/she is a good kisser, we would wonder if we could have decent fruitful conversation with them.

Instead of wondering if they have a nice body, we’d wonder if their dreams were like ours.

Instead of looking for a well-dressed specimen, we would look for a deep thinker and a kind heart.

Juuuuust maybe.

Marriage is the filling up of all the quiet spaces in between dates, late night phone calls and kisses in the car.

Now listen here. I like kissing my husband, a lot. But if I could never kiss him again for the rest of my life, I think we’d be OK. Those quiet spaces are full of meaning and so much love. Sweet glances, giggles and the calm assurance of no pretense. Just real, raw meaningful time together. (I mean, not always meaningful- unless watching New Girl on Netflix constitutes as meaningful…).

If you’re young and unmarried, don’t waste your time with someone that can’t sufficiently fill those empty spaces. You know deep down whether they can or not. If you’re using them to pass the time, you’re doing them an incredible disservice. You have better things you can be doing with your time.

And if you’re not ready for marriage, the same concept applies my friends. Fill your empty spaces with meaning.

“Less than 1% of life are mountain top experiences. So find someone with whom you enjoy the hiking trails and walking paths.” -Quote from my baby daddy Joel.

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